


Always and Forever Yours

by happydaygirl



Series: Athos/ Aramis collection [4]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Epistolary, Love Letters, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Savoy, Therapy, War, letters and documents, the boys write letters to each other, told through letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 9,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28731531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happydaygirl/pseuds/happydaygirl
Summary: Aramis' last tour and the aftermath of Savoy, explored through a series of letters sent back and forth by those involved.
Relationships: Aramis | René d'Herblay/Athos | Comte de la Fère
Series: Athos/ Aramis collection [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980433
Comments: 96
Kudos: 50





	1. Athos

Dear Aramis,

Well. It feels odd to be writing you a letter again after such a long time since you were last away. I had hoped that, this being your third tour and all, I would feel more comfortable with you being away- truth is, perhaps this time is worse, knowing that this time this was voluntary on your part.

Not that I blame you- I see how your eyes light up when talking about ‘the life’, and how you chattered excitably like a bouncing puppy as you gathered your supplies for this time; you even made me nostalgic for a soldier’s life! Soldiering is in your blood, and I wouldn’t change you for the world, yet selfishly I wish you were here with me, warming me in these cold evenings as winter draws in once more.

It has now been a week since you left again, and the flat is much quieter without you, I can say that! Porthos and d’Artagnan keep me occupied through the evenings and long shifts (although with the amount of pizza Porthos insists I keep shovelling down my throat, I may look very different when you come home!)

Your absence has left a hole in my heart, darling, as it always does when you are away- I sit here writing this letter in the late evening, watching some boring programme about train journeys to keep my mind off missing you, and drinking a large mug of tea, whiling away the others until I see you again.

As always, I know you cannot say too much about what you are doing all the way on the other side of the world, so I will detail you in the minutia of my life here, as you like to hear. I hope your bed is not too hard, and the heat isn’t too unbearable, at least.

Constance sends her love, and wants to let you know she is gathering up a treat box for when the army allows those things to be sent- everyone at work wishes you well, and Treville is keeping your stack of unwashed coffee mugs safe at your behest, although he wants you to know that you will be paying for any fumigation works that need to be done when you return.

I will write again soon, and I look forward to your letters in due course.

With all the love in the world,

Yours always,

Athos.


	2. Aramis

My Dearest Athos,

Receiving your letter was like a beacon of light to me- these past days have been hard, with intense training and night excursions that have already taken their toll. As you say I cannot speak too much in detail, but know I cherish your every word and the escape they bring.

My lodging is fair and the lads are probably the best set I have camped with, save for one grumbling fool that tries to bring everyone down- you always get one! The weather is not so bad at the moment; quite balmy and not too intense. I do not miss the endless amount of sand I am finding everywhere; I had almost forgotten the taste as it clumped in my mouth when I wake up!

I miss you daily, and, as I look upon the expanse of desert beyond our encampment I feel as if I am the only one in the world; I have still kept the photo of you I brought on my first tour all those years ago, can you believe it! It’s a bit dog-eared and faded now; you shall have to send me another one to make up for it.

I look forward to the supply box from Constance, she is a wonderful woman- I have already eaten the chocolate you packed for me and am halfway through the crisps; you will not be the only one to go on a diet when I get back!

I hope work is not too taxing, and Treville is taking great care to water the pot plant on my desk- remember not to tell him its made of plastic! I have a little chuckle to myself every time I imagine the poor bloke delicately watering it, taking care to ensure its properly soaked, just as I instructed him… at least I am safe in the knowledge that I am too far away for him to chuck it at my head when he finds out!

I have an evening excursion tonight and then I have been put on cooking duty tomorrow, so at least I can make us some proper grub! I do hope you are eating well and not falling into the trap of only eating lunch and then drinking in the evenings like last time- you know how well that ended!

For now, I leave you with my love and kisses- enjoy your quiet time away from me, for it will not be too long before I am back, I assure you,

Love,

Your Aramis.


	3. Athos

Dear Aramis,

I hope you have received your care package- this time I decided to treat you by including some of the coffee you liked to cheer you up on those long nights. I am glad you are on the cooking roster- now those boys will know what fine dining in a desert is all about!

Work is slow here, believe it or not- it seems all the criminals have gone into hibernation. Treville made us go through the filing cabinets and tidy some of the old notes yesterday, although that just made it easier for d’Artagnan and Porthos to make paper aeroplanes out of useless bits of paper and make competitions to see who could get them the furthest down the corridor- I can tell you that the captain was not pleased to see d’Artagnan’s plane sail gracefully out of his open window and flutter down into the street below; I had never seen the lad run so fast in order to go and get it!

I enclose the picture you asked for- I took the liberty of using one of my old passport photos, as you know I am no good at technology and printing out those sorts of things. Ignore the devil horns and Italian-style moustache; Porthos thought I needed a ‘makeover’ and helpfully added them in for me… I promise when you get back we can get a proper photo done.

As always it is very strange being here without you at this time of year, and I keep reminding myself that the festive period is coming up and we will be apart. I hope your captain allows you a video call at some point, it would be nice to see your face before the end of the year.

Do let me know if you need anything else sent to you- mince pies are being gathered as we speak, alongside some chocolate orange to keep you occupied.

With all my love, Athos.


	4. Aramis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE- I have realised that I had added the wrong pairing tag since I uploaded this fic; it is sadly NOT an Athos/Armais/Porthos pairing, just Athos/Aramis....sorry to everyone who was looking for that!

Dear Athos,

I apologise that this letter has come so late- I bring good news! My battalion Captain has asked me to join a special training exercise next week that he has been organising, codenamed operation Savoy (very fancy if you ask me…)

It’s a two day excursion where we camp out and practice manoeuvres- only a select few have been chosen to take part, so its very exciting to be chosen to go. I cannot say I am not nervous, but they are good nerves! Perhaps they need experienced soldiers mixed in with the young blood, who knows!

How have you been keeping? It is coming close to Christmas, I know, but here you would not know it- golden sand for as far as the eye can see, coupled with the hustle and bustle and immense noise of a warzone , and it is very hard to imagine a less festive scene! I hope you will not spend it alone- I know for a fact that Porthos has offered for you to stay at his place over the holidays, so I do hope you take him up on the offer. I would pain me to know you spent it alone.

As always, It feels very impersonal to talk to you through these letters- I cannot express adequately enough how much I miss you through these words; I have been reliably told that the video calls will take place in the next week or so- I hope they will get in touch with you about the timings. It will be joyful to see your face again after these weeks away; I have missed it.

Thank you so much for the picture- even with the additional ‘enhancements’ I treasure looking at it each time; my heart aches for you, but we must be patient, I will be home before we know it.

Until next time,

Love,

Aramis.


	5. Porthos

Dear Aramis,

Athos made me write this to you, so here I am (just joking, you know I love you, mate.) He told me it would be good for you to receive letters from other people this time, just in case you get bored of only getting letters from him…

It’s getting bloody cold here, so I hope you enjoy the desert heat for as long as you can! All the tourists and Christmas shoppers are clogging up the streets again- I have to keep side stepping hoardes of ‘little darlings’ as they meander down the streets gazing up at the Christmas lights, a nightmare I tell ya!

I’ve got your present here, already nice and wrapped up for the big day, and don’t worry- Athos has been ordered to arrive at my place nice and early on Christmas Day, so please don’t worry about him either! He’s doing much better this time round, actually…he’s not quite stopped the moping around yet, but he’s getting there!

He tells me you’ve got an exciting mission coming up! That sounds great, and not before time either…you deserve some recognition after all your hard work. We’re all so proud of you mate.

I hope you’ve received the bag of chocolate coins I’ve jammed into this envelope- I had to take them out the net and put them in there loose…please tell me they haven’t melted and made it look like I’ve mailed you something really inappropriate!!

Keep yourself well and I’ll send another letter soon!

Much love brother!

Porthos


	6. Athos

My Dearest Aramis,

I write this letter a week before Christmas; the Christmas tree lights are twinkling in the corner of the room (yes, I put the tree up like you ordered me to…) and the radio is blasting out the Christmas tunes as I sit here, wondering what to write. I haven’t received a letter from you for a couple of weeks, so I surmise that you are busy- that’s alright, as long as you’re well.

I’m looking forward to seeing your face in the next few days via video call; I wonder if you have grown the usual beard that you seem to cultivate whenever you are away- it always amuses me to see your facial furniture after all these weeks.

Your present sits under the tree, accompanied by a generous selection of wine, sweets and chocolate- when you come home we can have a proper celebration. It feels odd to not have you here during the run-up to the big day; your energy and presence has always comforted me during these bleak winter months. Porthos is doing the best he can, as is d’Artagnan, but of course its not the same as when I am with you.

I doubt I shall receive a reply or indeed send another letter until after Christmas now, so I leave you with the best of Christmas wishes; may you enjoy your time with your comrades out there, so far away. I wish you a calm few days, safe in the knowledge that we will see each other again soon.

With all my love in the world,

Athos.


	7. Ministry of Defence

Dear Olivier d’Athos,

I hope you are well. Due to yourself being listed on our database as next of Kin, I write to inform you that, on the 26th December Corporal Rene d’Herblay, AKA Aramis, was flown back to the United Kingdom for further treatment after complications arose from a training exercise on tour in Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

He has been flown to and is being treated at Queen Elizabeth Hospital Birmingham, and has been, at the time of writing, an inpatient of the facility for five days.

I enclose all the pertinent details of his care and contact details for his secure unit where he is being treated- please do contact them to arrange visits and to obtain more information.

I have also included literature for the charitable organisations that you may find helpful in the near future, as well as contact details for Ministry of Defence organisations.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions,

Kind regards,

Captain John Gillingham, Her Majesty’s Armed Forces.


	8. Athos

Dear Aramis,

Even though Porthos is beside me, snoring into the night in his hospital chair, I still feel like the loneliest man in the world. It has now been two weeks since you have arrived back, and still you have not woken up.

Thankfully you have been moved into a London hospital so I can visit you daily after work- I would have travelled to the ends of the earth to see you, my darling, but I was getting afraid that I’d fall asleep at the wheel travelling up to Birmingham every other day to see you.

The bruises on your face are beginning to fade, my love, and so you look more peaceful as you lay there, covered in tubes and wiring; the beeping noise of the machine behind me is now ingrained in my brain. I hear it when I try to sleep, and it chases the sleep away, leaving me staring into the darkness, wishing you were beside me.

Treville has given me a leave of absence from the force starting tomorrow, so I can spend all day with you, just waiting for you to wake up.

The Army have been amazing in this time, as I knew they would be – you have been assigned an occupational therapist already (her name is Judy) and she has already started work, despite the fact you remain in a coma. She has suggested that we keep diaries and jot things down when our minds get too full; it seems like an excellent idea, especially as I can continue writing to you in this way.

I will try not to get too maudlin and mopey here- Judy wants you to be able to read these when you are well enough, and I’d hate to depress you with my whingeing, but know this- I miss you every moment of every day, and pray for the day you open those beautiful eyes once more.

Porthos is quiet and subdued, and every now and again I catch him gently leaning forwards to grasp onto your covers, his fingers catching onto your wrists as if to make sure you are still there. He’ll be alright, I’ll make sure of it- we’re taking it in turns to watch over you, so you are in good hands.

Sleep well, my darling, but please remember that you need to wake up too- I need to see that spark again.

Yours, always,

Athos.


	9. Porthos

Dear Aramis,

Come on mate. Enough’s enough now. I need to see those peepers open up- I need to see that million watt smile. The worlds a darker place without you, that’s for sure.

I’m writing in this book now, hoping it’ll make a difference- the therapist lady said that if we keep a log of our thoughts and feelings it can help you when you wake up. I have a feeling she’s going to make you write one too- we’ll all be poets this time next year!

Athos has gone to get some tea- its currently 10.30pm on a Saturday night and its been pissing down all day; I guess the weather matches our moods, eh? He’s doing ok, with all things considered- I catch him staring into space sometimes, tears in his eyes, so I try and tell him a joke to make him snap out of it. I know he’s humouring me when he chuckles (hell, at this point I’m just humouring myself….) but I feel that it helps. He scribbles in his own book like there’s no tomorrow, so you’ll not be short of reading material, I can tell you that!

I can’t tell you how scared I was when I heard the news- my heart dropped and I was almost sick there and then. I mean, I know you’re still in a coma and all, but I guess it good that you’re not getting any worse? I’m just thankful you came back all in one piece. I don't know what I would have done if...well, you know...

I’ll leave you to sleep now- I can hear Athos walking back up the corridor, teas in hand. I’ll look after him, don’t worry.

Sleep tight, and wake up soon, you doughnut. We all miss you out here.

Love,

Porthos.


	10. Occupational Therapist Initial Report

**_Initial Patient Report- Occupational Therapy_ **

**Patient Name-** Rene D’Herbaly (otherwise known as Aramis)

**Gender** \- Male

**DOB** \- 05/05/1978

**Rank** \- Corporal

**Occupational Therapist Name** \- Judy Smithings

**Notes and Observations**

Aramis was injured in an IUD and ambush attack during a training mission in Helmand Province, Afghanistan- he was the only survivor of the attack, and spent 24 hours lying injured before rescued.

Aramis was initially minimally conscious when he was airlifted however soon fell into coma with a Glasgow Coma Scale (GCS) rating of 3, where he remained for three weeks. This has been attributed to a severe brain injury that occurred during the attack.

Aramis awoke from the coma in a distressed state, however the presence of loved ones eventually calmed him and he was subdued enough to be assessed by doctors.

He sustained severe burns to his right side of his body and multiple facial lacerations caused by shrapnel wounds. His right wrist was fractured and his right knee was dislocated.

Additionally, after observing him upon sleep and waking, as well as in periods of prolonged silence or sudden loud noises, I conclude that there are elements of post-traumatic stress which will require further evaluation.

Brain injury has caused temporary memory loss, but this should dissipate within the next few weeks of intense therapy.

**Suggestions for future care**

Patient is now mobile and able to be moved back to his home to recover if that is his wish.

Physical Therapy has been organised at his local inpatients NHS hospital as a priority, as well as appointments with therapists and mental health support at his nearest Department of Community Mental Health (DCMHs)

Signed,

Judy Smithings, MRCOT.


	11. Athos

Dear Aramis

I’m writing this letter sat in the car waiting for you to return from your first session with the therapist. It’s bitterly cold despite the car heater being all full blast, and I’m finding it very fiddly to write this with my hands encased in my thick winter gloves, but as Judy has instructed, I am writing when inspiration strikes, and not allowing myself to overthink things as I write. Its cathartic and calming, and I hope it’ll help you- its certainly helping me.

I am parked right outside the room you are in, and despite the blinds being pulled down to keep out the harsh winter sun I can see your back through the shutters, and the way you’re sat slumped in your chair, head almost down to your chest.

It’s been two weeks now since you came home, and its been…different. Judy has said that these letters are as much for me as they are for you (perhaps I will not let you read this one) but I cannot help but wish things were different. You smile less now; loud noises make you jump and you hate to have your back where other people stand or walk. You get irritated more. Frustrated. Snappy.

Its hard to watch you suffer, my darling, and know I cannot do a thing about it- I would take all the pain from you if it means I can hear your laugh again, truly care-free and not self-conscious of attracting attention to yourself. You look around as if you expect danger, yet do not relax when you see all is well. I reassure you as much as I can, but I know the fear now embedded in your eyes will be there for a while yet.

I hope talking to the therapist will help bring you back; that spark, that couldn’t-care-less attitude. I truly do. Your physical wounds have started to heal- the brace on your wrist is fixing your bones, and the ointments and creams are fixing your burns, but what can fix your mind?

I will always be by your side, make no mistake- we will do whatever it takes. Perhaps you will not come back whole, as you once were. Maybe that’s ok- I don’t expect you to be the same. You have been changed; we will change too.

I can see you standing up and putting on your coat now- my god you’ve got thin. Porthos is going to have to order you a lot of pizza to get you back up there; I’m sure he’s already tried. We should go and see him more, and the others. Staying inside all day isn’t healthy, and you need to get out into the fresh air now.

Until next time, my love,

Athos.


	12. Porthos

Dear Aramis

I’m writing this on my phone instead of in my notebook today, seeing as I’m sat outside your house watching your closed curtains like a damned stalker. I can see your shadow moving around so I know you’re in there.

Athos has gone in this afternoon to speak to Treville and asked me to come round while he was gone, but you refused to let me in; I’ve never had a door slammed in my face before, let alone from a friend.

You looked so tired. So worn out, like you’re done with the world- I don’t even remember the last time we’ve had a proper conversation since you’ve been back. Just nods and non-committal words that you think will placate me, to make me stop speaking. Maybe that’s what you need- some silence and peace. I’m not trying to make things worse, honest. I’m trying to help.

I’ll print this out and stick it in the notebook so you can read this; Judy said you need to read it, warts and all.

I miss you. There, I’ve said it. I bloody miss you so much- it hurts like hell to see you like this. I wish you’d write back; Judy wants us all to give in our books soon so she can type up the notes for the next meeting with you in a few weeks. It would be nice to see some of your viewpoint; it might put a lot of this hurt into perspective for us.

I need to just, I don’t know…be with you again- watching football without you isn’t the same. Going out for beers or even a morning coffee just isn’t the same. Maybe its selfish of me to want you back so much, but its what I feel. I need to be close to you again; life isn’t the same without you.

Athos is suffering, although I am sure that even in your fog you have noticed; he’s thinner and paler, and he drinks a little more nowadays. Maybe you need some time away, to the seaside or something to blow the cobwebs away for you.

Your wounds are healing now, I just hope your head will start healing soon as well.

I’m going to go now- I don’t much fancy sitting on the wall in your front garden in the dark and rain; I can see your television is on, but I can’t see your shadow sitting down on the sofa. I hope you’ve gone to bed; you need the rest and recovery.

I know you think I’m going to give up- never. I will sit on this wall again and again until the day you let me back in, to your house and your life. I will never give up on you, mate. Its not in my nature.

Love, Porthos.


	13. Aramis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a general warning for this and further chapters- there will be lots of talk of mental illness/PTSD etc in the coming chapters.

Dear Athos,

Oh, my love, where to start? I feel a million miles from myself, and from you- my head is so full I don’t even know what day it is, let alone form coherent thoughts. I will try my best here for you. I owe you that much.

I’ve been ignoring this notebook for weeks now- my therapist has all but had to order me to start evaluating myself, and to start writing my thoughts and feelings down…the trouble is, I don’t know what I am feeling. I really, truly don’t. Its as if I am in a bubble that I am trying to escape but the bubble is made of glass; if I push too hard the glass will shatter and the world will cascade in again and I just can’t face it.

I feel like the only man in the world, even when I am with you; you hold my hand as always but I feel so detached from you my heart aches.

My burns and scratches have healed and I am able to move around more with my knee and wrist, but my head feels stuffed with so much fluff I can’t even function. Its easier to do nothing, yet I know it is wrong. I feel so different its hard to believe I can go back to being the man I was before, yet I know I must.

It hurts me every day to see you look at me with so much pity and confusion as to why I am like this; I do not deserve your love or your companionship. You never leave my side even when I snap at you and try and make you leave. You stick with me and I will forever be grateful. The nights you have spent combing your hands through my hair while I writhe with yet another nightmare- do not think I don’t know what you do for me.

The endless cups of tea and plates of toast that just appear out of nowhere as I sit, numb, on the sofa. The kisses on the side of my head as you pass me on the way to kitchen and when you go to the shops. The calm, gentle voice as you read to me from your book when we go to bed, just so I don’t fall asleep to silence. I see it all, my sweetheart, and I thank you for it every time although I do not have the words to say it to you.

You are my everything. Always have, always will be. I would be lost without you. Everything is dark at the moment, even when I look at your face I see the bad things; I wish I didn’t but I do. Its hard.

The therapy is helping, I am sure, but I can’t help but feel anxious all the time….a great, swirling pain in the pit of my stomach, making my arms and fingers tingle as the thoughts whirl in my mind. Its maddening and I know in my heart its not right but I can’t stop. Hopefully the continuing therapy will help me, and your continuous love.

Porthos came to see me the other day, and to my eternal shame I closed the door on him. My best friend for years and years and I slammed the door in his face because I couldn’t face him. I hate myself for it- I cried my eyes out when I went upstairs to lay down and saw through the window that he was sat on the garden wall, typing into his phone. I knew I should let him in from the cold, to let him back into my life, but I couldn’t. I am ashamed of my actions. I hope he will forgive me.

I promise to write more, as I am supposed to; its actually quite therapeutic to write all my thoughts down instead of keeping them all in my head, who knew, eh?

For now, my darling, I leave you with my love, as always.

Aramis.


	14. Treville

Dear Aramis

Please ignore the letter-head on this paper and the stamps; I’m not writing in any official capacity here, don’t worry- we can organise a proper meeting within the next few weeks about maybe starting a staggered return to work. We do this at your pace at all times- when you are ready, The Force will be here for you. I will be here for you.

I had hoped to visit you, or perhaps pop out for a coffee with you to see how you are, but as I am sure Athos has told you, we have had a very busy time with a few cases that has taken up nearly all of my availability these past few weeks. I will clear some time in my diary so we can get together as I am sure we have a lot to catch up on.

Please feel free to call me, though- I know you have my personal number. Day or night, I am here, not just as your boss but as a friendly face. You’re not alone in this.

Let me know if I can do anything at all to help you at this time, I will do all in my power to make it happen for you- keep an eye out on the post though…there may be a few boxes of treats whinging their way towards you soon…

Best wishes,

Jeanne


	15. Mr Griffiths

Dear Olivier d’Athos,

My name is Bryan Griffiths and I am the Psychologist involved in the care of your next of kin, Rene d’Herblay, AKA Aramis, as his primary therapist. I am writing to invite you to a meeting at the Old Garrison medical centre on Wednesday 3rd March at 1pm to discuss his care and progress with Aramis also present, in line with his care plan. I have also, in close conjunction with Aramis, sent a letter to his friend, Porthos, whom it has been confirmed is a close friend of his, and whose presence will also be beneficial.

Please bring with you the notebook that you have been requested to fill in with your thoughts and feelings- these will be discussed at the meeting and any progress will also be discussed.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to let me know.

I look forward to seeing you soon,

Kind regards,

Bryan Griffiths, BA, MA, MBACP, BACP.


	16. Constance

Dear Aramis,

I don’t expect you thought you’d get a letter from me, yet I felt compelled to write to you and get what’s in my heart down on paper. It has been a few weeks since we have spoken, but you have been in my thoughts more and more lately. I hope you have enjoyed the treat bundles I have been leaving for you; let me know if the chocolate cake is getting too much, I know my cakes can be sickly sometimes!

I miss our almost daily chats but I know you need time; Athos has been filling me in on what’s been going on. I am glad to hear you are eating better; one day we can go out and have a picnic in the park like we used to do, still almost-drunk on Saturday mornings when Athos, Porthos and d’Artagnan are too hungover to do anything! We will get back to the old days, slowly but surely, we will.

I know you are probably sick and tired of hearing other people asking how they can help, so I won’t say what doesn’t need to be said out loud. Just know I am here, and will be here again. You’ll get there, sweetheart, I know you will.

All my love,

Constance.


	17. Aramis

Dear Athos

You are sleeping in the chair next to be, looking so peaceful I am almost jealous. I haven’t found much energy or motivation to write in this book the past few days, so I figured that in this moment of calmness in my mind I really ought to get something written down.

Your wine bottle has slipped onto the floor half an hour ago as you fell asleep; I can see the remnants of the wine reflected in the light of the lamp, deep and red. I wish you wouldn’t drink so much, but then I have given you cause to, haven’t I my love? I can see it in your eyes when you look at me; the pain you try to hide as I refuse to eat or even to go down to the shops with you. Its not that I don’t want to- its just that I can’t. I can’t bring myself to eat when I feel full to bursting with emotions and feelings I don’t understand.

Night time in the worst; its so silent here- even in the middle of the city- that I feel I am back over there, waiting for an ambush that never comes. Every noise, every little woosh of wind or distant movement and I am roused from sleep, instantly, painfully, alert. I need to keep you safe, you must understand. I was left alone for hours with my dead comrades, waiting for the enemy to come back and claim me. The anticipation was painful and the feeling has not left me. I hope by writing this down you will understand, or at least see this from my point of view. I don’t act like this because I want to.

I’ve been watching you sleep for a few minutes (not like a creep!) and its lovely to see you so peaceful. Your forehead and face are no longer lined with worry and doubt; you look serene as you snore lightly against my shoulder, your hand curled around my forearm. I love you with all my heart.

Tomorrow we have the big meeting with my therapist who I hope will be able to tell me ways I can move forwards, to become more, well…me again. I miss me. I feel so very different that it’s almost hard to imagine what I was like before.

Sleep tight, my darling. I love you eternally.

Yours, always.

Aramis.


	18. Transcript of Therapy Session

**_ Transcript of Therapist Session _ **

**In attendance-**

Rene D’herblay

Olivier D’Athos

Porthos Du Vallon

Dr Bryan Griffiths

Bryan- welcome everyone, I hope that you all managed to travel here without too much trouble?

Athos- the traffic was surprisingly light. We managed to get here with half an hour to spare.

Porthos- we went for a coffee to get us ready, didn’t we Aramis?

Bryan- what flavour coffee did you have, Aramis? I remember we’ve spoken about coffee before and how much you love experimenting with the flavours.

Aramis- just a black coffee. I didn’t want anything too fancy.

Bryan- I see, what do you normally have?

Porthos, laughing- he normally has the ocka mocha chocka grande surprise or something like that, don’t ya?

Aramis- those sorts of drinks are too sweet for me now. They make me feel sick.

Bryan- I see. Do you think that your feeling anxious about today has something to do with only having a plain coffee?

Aramis- not everything is to do with my anxiety or state of mind. I just didn’t want a fancy coffee, what’s wrong with that?

Athos- Aramis, he was just asking a question.

Aramis- and I just answered it…

Athos- come on Aramis…

Bryan- that’s ok, maybe I just presumed too much is all; its an occupational hazard I’m afraid! Right, well why don’t we start with looking at the books you’ve been writing in? We can have a little look through each of your entries and see if there’s anything we can discuss.

Aramis- I left mine at home, sorry…

Athos- Aramis! That was the last thing I said to you before we left! I told you you needed to bring the book.

Aramis- I had a lot on my mind!

Athos- it was on the table next to the door; I should know, I put it there myself!

Aramis- well its still there now.

Athos, taking a deep breath- well, what’s the point of looking in our books, then? If he doesn’t have his we can’t really go through them properly, can we?

Bryan- Aramis, I know that today you feel quite defensive of having your mental state in certain situations questioned, which is totally understandable, but as this is a therapy session we do need to talk about your mind…did you forget the book on purpose today so we didn’t have to speak so much about what’s written in them?

Aramis- I….I thought that maybe its too soon to be delving into all our minds…

Athos- Why? Its what we’re supposed to be doing.

Aramis- I’m not ready to face my own mind, let alone your guys’ thoughts and feelings about everything. I haven’t even read any of my entries back yet.

Bryan- why do you think you haven’t read any back?

Aramis- because I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I don’t want to revisit old ground and ruminate in my distress.

Athos- but its supposed to help you, sweetheart. I just want you to be better and then we can-

Aramis- Be better? I don’t feel like I am ever going to ‘be better’ as you put it. I feel like an empty shell filled to the brim with crushing, aching pains and rushing thoughts in my head. I am as far from ‘better’ as you can possibly think I can be, and you wishing for me to hurry through this process isn’t making me feel any better!

Athos- that’s not fair, I’m not rushing you at all! I’ve been in the background through all of this, just hoping to see some improvement.

Porthos- he’s trying, Aramis, mate, he really is.

Aramis- I know he is Porthos, but everyone thinks I should be better within a few months and the pressure is killing me! I want to be me again so much I break down just wishing for it- if I could snap my fingers I would, I truly would.

Athos- when have I ever said I think you should be better within a few months?! Never- I know this takes time!

Bryan- why don’t we-

Aramis- I just feel so lost all the time… I don’t know if I need space or someone to hold onto with all my might. I feel so conflicted and worried all the damn time…..

Athos- that’s why we are trying to help you, sweetheart! Let us in and we can help-

Aramis- how can I let you in when I don’t even know what’s wrong? This is the first time I’ve even attempted to put my feelings into words and I know there is more than I don’t even have the right words for.

Bryan- alright everyone, why don’t we all sit back for a moment and just reflect on things? I can see emotions are running high in everyone and I feel now is a good time to sit back for a few seconds. As Aramis says, this is a process that will take time, which I am sure everyone understands. This is why I have brought you all here today, to get your thoughts out together in a safe place.

Aramis, everyone here loves you and wants to see you better- as Athos has said, there is no pressure for progress at all. He just wants to see some of his old Aramis back, and who can blame him? You have been through a traumatic event, and so have the two men sitting next to you. They have lost a part of themselves too, so you all need to heal together.

Aramis- I know that, and I hate myself for it, of course I do-

Athos- no, that’s not what he meant and you know it- you have nothing to blame yourself for-

Aramis- I chose to go on the tour! It was voluntary; I didn’t have to sign up for it and I did….if only I had listened to you when you tried to talk me out of it….

Athos- darling, what’s done is done. There is no point beating yourself up about that, of all things….you’ve come back to us and we need to deal with the present, not the past.

Aramis- I just hate what this is doing to me, and to both of you.

Porthos- that’s why we’re here now, isn’t it? To talk this through?

Bryan- exactly. Porthos, how do you feel about all this? Would you be able to give me a few words to describe your feelings right now?

Porthos- me? Well….it hurts to see Aramis like this. He’s always been the life and soul of our group and to see him so worried all the time is….it’s weird. Its like he’s got a permanent cloud over him.

Bryan- do you see each other as often as you did before?

Porthos- no, we hardly see each other at all, which makes everything stranger. We should go out more, mate, even if its just a walk round the park with a coffee.

Aramis- that’s a good idea. We will, I promise- maybe a short trip around your little garden would be alright to start with?

Porthos- anything, mate, anything.

Bryan- I feel this is good place to end this discussion, but I would be most interested in setting up another meeting between the three of you in the coming weeks if everyone feels they would like to?

Porthos- sounds good to me.

Athos- I think it’s a good idea, Aramis?

Aramis- yeah, ok.

Bryan- excellent. Please can I ask you all continue to write in your books, and if we can please try our hardest to remember to bring them all next time, I fee we can have a good foundation for some discussions.

Aramis, snorting- I’ll try my best.

Bryan- good man! Alright, everyone, lets leave this here- safe journeys home everyone.

**_ Transcript ends _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just wanted to let you know that I have just written the last chapter of this fic, so we have a total of 30 chapters in total!


	19. Athos

Dear Aramis

I would like to announce that you are cordially invited to an intimate dinner for two on Saturday 13th at 7.30pm in the dining area of our abode. Please note that the dress code is strict black tie and the only thing required is your own company as we drink and eat the night away accompanied by good music and even better wine.

Please RSVP by kissing your host as he comes into close range, and do not be late!

Love,

Athos


	20. Aramis

My dearest Athos

What did I do to deserve you? I feel as if you are an angel who has walked into my life; you surprise me time and time again with your love and kindness and humility, even in the face of all that I have done.

You see me as I truly am with no pretence or fakery, and I love you for it. All that you do for me is for love and to see me happy; the dinner was exquisite and was exactly what was needed. I shall have to make this up to you; you deserve happy things just as much as me. We should go away together- not anywhere far-flung or expensive. Just you, me and the seaside- oh, and fish and chips and ice cream on a windy, rainy beach! Just like old times.

You are my everything, and I am so lucky to have you as my husband, as my partner, as my love.

Yours, truly

Aramis.


	21. Porthos

**11.29am**

Porthos-

Hey, what are you up to this afternoon?

Aramis-

Not too much, just watching some programme on tanks

Porthos-

Do you want to go out and get some fresh air? Maybe go to the park and have a walk round?

Aramis-

My programme has just started, maybe tomorrow

Porthos-

I’ve only got one day off this week, are you sure you don’t want to come? I’ll buy the ice cream!

Aramis-

Sorry, I’ve been looking forward to this all week. Been feeling a bit low so just need to be alone

Porthos-

Oh, alright then. Well let me know if you change your mind. It’s a lovely day outside

Aramis-

I will. Thanks for the offer though.

**6.45pm**

Porthos-

Hey, you home? Athos has been trying to call you

Porthos-

Answer your phone! You’re making everyone worried!

Porthos-

Aramis call me, Athos is going spare

Porthos-

You home yet?

Porthos-

Aramis, please call, we’re getting really worried about you now

Porthos-

We are looking for you now, so you better be home soon!

Porthos-

Please answer your phone!


	22. Athos

Dear Aramis,

I only seem to write these letters now when you’re sleeping. It’s the only chance I have to actually think straight, knowing you are safe asleep by my side.

You gave us a fright the other night, going off by yourself. Not that you’re not entitled to do so…you are a grown man after all and can go wherever you like, but I just wish you would have told me so I wouldn’t of worried so much and saved Porthos from his stress-induced migraine, poor bloke.

Finding you in the memorial garden created for the fallen soldiers from your barracks wasn’t a surprise, but finding you huddled amongst the names, crying in the rain and darkness as night fell around you broke me, my darling. It was so hard to get you to come home, but we were afraid you’d get pneumonia if you’d stayed any longer. We can all go again it the daytime so we can have a proper look around. I understand you need to be close with them, of course I do.

I can’t get that haunted look in your eyes out of my mind- you just looked so utterly broken, so tired. I thought we were making progress, but as your therapist said, this is a journey, and also a walk- not a sprint. We are in this for the long haul, and I will be with you every step of the way, as will Porthos.

I think we need some time away- Treville has given me some more leave so we can go away from here for a while. He’s a good man, is Treville. He understands. I’ve had a look at some destinations and I’ve picked Devon; fish and chips by the sea and those silly penny arcade games…sounds like heaven right now!

Its now almost two in the morning and I really need to go to sleep, so I’ll turn in now, knowing you’re safe and sound.

With all my love,

Athos


	23. Aramis

Dear Porthos

I did intend to buy a postcard to send to you, but I knew there wouldn’t be enough space on that piddly little bit of paper to get all what I wanted to write on it!

We’ve been in Ilfracombe for a few days now, and I can’t tell you how much the sea air is helping drive some of the cobwebs away. It’s a bit chilly this time of year but I guess the flip side is that there aren’t a lot of tourists here at the moment. Come the summer this place will be heaving!

Its nice here, such a slower pace of life- maybe once we are old and grey Athos and I might have to buy a little house here. Get a little dog, walk along the shingle beach and get an ice cream overlooking the harbour. Ah, what a life it would be.

Speaking of Athos, you’ll be pleased to know he is smiling more here. The sea air seems to be doing him some good as well; he laughs more easily and has stopped watching my every move like an anxious mother hen.

I feel a lot better funnily enough- this is just what we needed and its come at just the right time.

I’ve already got plans to get you a huge bag of fudge which I know you love, so watch this space!

Wish you were here- we will have to have another lads holiday soon, I’ve missed them

Best wishes,

Aramis


	24. Treville

Dear Aramis

Thank you for your recent letter- please let me know your availability for a return to work meeting to take place. We will discuss your requirements and any adjustments that need to be made in order for you to return to work in the near future.

Please do not hesitate to let me know if you have any questions- you know I will be happy to talk you through everything before the meeting.

Kind regards,

Jeanne Treville, Chief Inspector.


	25. Athos

Dear Aramis

I’m sitting here at the kitchen table a few minutes after you left, trying not to cry onto the paper as I write this. Its your first working day since the incident, and you’ve just left to have your meeting with Treville; you looked so smart in your uniform I almost started crying right in front of you. It hangs a bit in places and you needed to hitch your belt in a hole or two but my darling, does it suit you.

You looked so proud fixing your hair in the mirror I couldn’t help smiling as you got frustrated with that little strand of hair sticking out that you’ve always hated. When you kissed me goodbye you mumbled thank you as we parted; I held you close and told you that there was nothing to thank. You did this all yourself, sweetheart. I’m so proud of you.

My shift starts in a hour so I’m just savouring the last of my coffee- I know you won’t be on full shifts for a good few weeks as Treville wants to give you a staggered return to work so you’re not too overwhelmed, which I think is a good idea. You look so full to bursting already- I’m sure you’ll smash it.

With all my love in the world,

Athos,


	26. Aramis

Dear Porthos

Happy Birthday!

You have no idea how much you mean to me- you’ve been a rock for me these past few months. I truly would not have been able to do this without you.

I have come to realise that our friendship is truly immeasurable- Its one of those rare things you really don’t find that often, so I intend to hold onto it with both hands. I don’t know how I would have coped without your laugh and your little pep talks, and of course all the pizza!

Lets go paint the town red- first drink on me!

Love, Aramis


	27. Everyone

Porthos, Athos, Aramis, d’Artagnan

Porthos-

Fellas. My head is going to fall off. Hangover from heeeeell

d’Artagnan-

I’ve just asked Constance to make me a bacon sandwich and she’s just kicked me out of bed!

Aramis- Make me one while you’re at it!

Athos-

Make that two. Brown sauce please, not red.

d’Artagnan-

Oi! Someone needs to make me one, I asked first!

Porthos-

We should start a bacon sandwich delivery service, we’d make loads of money!

Athos-

Very true, but I think we’d just eat them all ourselves….

Porthos-

Hahaha yeah! It was a good night though wasn’t it

Aramis-

It really was. Much needed and for a worthy cause. Thanks for the laughs everyone

Porthos

Glad to see you smile mate- right, I’m off to forage for some brekkie, see you guys later!

Athos-

Have a good day everyone


	28. Occupational Therapist Report 48

** Occupational Therapist report- number 48 **

Patient Name- Rene D’Herbaly (otherwise known as Aramis)

Gender- Male

DOB- 05/05/1978

Rank- Corporal

Occupational Therapist Name- Judy Smithings

**Findings and notes**

Rene D’Herblay, AKA Aramis, has been under my care for the last year and during this time he has seen marked improvements. Physically his wrist fracture has healed very well with no issues. His dislocated knee has healed to an extent however there is some lasting ligament damage which has led to extensive physiotherapy appointments to regain full control and movement. I am confident that within the next year he will regain full movement of his leg with no lasting issues.

Through physiotherapy appointments he has progressed well with his diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. His short term memory has improved and I am confident he is now back to full capacity in that regard. Through hard work and the support of his loved ones he is now feeling more confident and has been able to adapt well to the changes the incident has given him. He still demonstrates nervousness in being in large crowded spaces, as well as upon hearing loud noises and sudden shouting in quiet areas; through tailored psychotherapy I am confident that this shall lessen in severity to a point that Aramis is able to help himself through these situations.

Through careful consideration Aramis and I have agreed to begin to limit the appointments due to his improvements; we will meet every three months to discuss his progress rather than every month, however this will obviously change based on Aramis’ continued needs and progression.

Signed,

Judy Smithings


	29. Constance

Dear Aramis

I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed our afternoon the other day- I missed wandering around the shops gawping at the expensive clothes that we could never hope to afford, while giggling at the posh snobs walking around with their noses in the air like they own the place!

It was lovely just having lunch with you again, not caring about anything apart from gossiping about your work and putting the world to rights. It was a long time coming and I loved every minute of it.

Its so nice listening to you laugh again, it really is, even though you were laughing at my expense when I spilled my coffee all over myself!

I can’t wait to do it all over again- I am so happy to have my friend back. I know you still have your bad days, but we are all here for you to lean on. You truly mean the world to us all.

Lots of love,

Constance,


	30. Aramis

My darling Athos,

You’ve gone out to get our takeaway curry so I have a few minutes to get all this that’s in my heart down on paper. It has now been 1 year since the attack and the day our lives changed forever. I honestly can’t believe its been a year; it feels like yesterday some days, yet a whole lifetime ago on others.

You will never know how much you mean to me- I have been reading back through the letters that I have written to you and can see how many times I have written that line, but its true. I would never have been able to do this without you. You are the light in my darkness, as cliché as that sounds- had I not had you to anchor me down in my darkest nights I fear I would have floated away, never to be seen again.

I have been walking through some dark clouds, my love, and at times I truly thought it would be easier if I just ceased to exist. It would have been easier to go to sleep and never woken up- now I have the benefit of hindsight I can see how desperate I had been.

We’ve just come back from laying flowers at the memorial for those we lost that day- the Army put on a lovely service but I knew I could not stay around the family of those that passed away. My pain at being the only survivor reared its ugly head, making it hard to breathe. You held my hand and helped me through it, just being there next to me as we walked around the path while everyone made their way out the service. You held me so close I could feel your love through every whispered word of comfort, every brush of your hand to keep me anchored down.

You will never know how much you help me, and continue to do so. I still have my dark days, when I don’t want to get up and the loud noises of traffic make me panic and want to hide away, but I know you are by my side no matter how bad it gets.

You are the most selfless, kind person I have ever met, and I am so lucky to have you by my side- I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you, but I feel a lifetime will never be enough.

You have my everlasting love, until the end of the world.

Always and forever yours,

Aramis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for following me on this little tale, I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Please leave one last comment, I'd love to know your thoughts!


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